Not Over You
by Jameson Rook
Summary: 'Christmas had always been one of his favorite holidays. The festive nature of everyone, the presents, the romance in the air. But now, there was nothing left for him.' A short little Christmas fic about Ryan/Esposito. Slash. Rated for language


**I'm a grinch. That's really the only explination that I have for this fic. Also, for the sake of this fic and my own sanity, Jenny doesn't exsist. **

** Disclaimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Productions. "Not Over You" belongs to Gavin DeGraw.**

_**If you ask me how I'm doin, I'd say I'm doin' just fine,**_

_**I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.**_

_**But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two,**_

_**Finally I'm forced to face the truth, no matter what I say,**_

_**I'm not over you.**_

Christmas had always been one of his favorite holidays. The festive nature of everyone, the presents, the romance in the air. But now, there was nothing left for him. Which was why he was seated on his roadkill couch with a bottle of whiskey nestled between his knees. He looked somerly at the dimly lit Christmas tree across the apartment sourly. His nose crinkled as he glared at it and took another swig from the Jack Daniel's bottle.

The alcohol burned his throat all the way down until it settled warmly into his stomach. He rolled his cell phone over in his hand a couple of times. He had contemplated just picking the damn thing up and calling, but he knew that it was Christmas. Everyone was going to be busy with their family get togethers. It vaguely sparked in his mind to question why he wasn't with his family, but he brushed it off. Since his mother had died two years earlier he wasn't really big on family dinners. He'd sent out presents to his siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins the week earlier so that they would be there on time, so he didn't really think that making an apperance was necassary.

It wasn't that he was depressed, no he was far from that. He reminded himself of that fact daily. It was more...bitter, than anything else. He didn't like being by himself on holidays, but he couldn't really think of anyone that did. Castle and Beckett had invited him to their family dinner but, as much as he loved spending time with his Godchildren, and his partners, he couldn't bring himself to intrude on their evening. Hell, even Captain Gates had invited him to her family get together, but he _really_ hadn't wanted to be the guy that shows up at his boss' house and has to sit drinking whiskey as if all the water on Earth had dried up. He found his mind wandering towards his partner, wonding what Esposito was doing right now with Lanie.

His chest constricted at the thought of them laughing over glasses of wine at his mother's house. Sharing a sundae while Javier's nephew, Miguel, told a joke about his high school English teacher. Kevin knew this, because he'd spent more holidays at 'la casa de Esposito' than he cared to count since he'd been transferred into the 12th homicide division. Javier's mother was the sweetest woman that he'd ever met in his life and had taken him in as if he were her own son. Last Christmas she'd even knitted him a scarf that was still something he wore regularly.

He looked at the now empty bottle in his hand curiously and tried to figure out when he'd finished it off. He stood slowly, swaying in place a moment before staggering to his kitchen, dropping the bottle in the vicinity of the trash can. He vaguely heard the shattering of glass as he opened the fridge and pulled out a Guinness. He was twisting the top off the aluminum bottle when his phone began ringing. He moved as quickly as he could without tripping himself up and picked it up.

"Ryan."

"Hey, bro." Esposito's voice was quiet and warm, bringing a reluctant smile to Kevin's face.

"Hey, Javi. Everything okay? It's Christmas, shouldn't you be at your madre's for dinner?" He didn't even blink at his use of the spanish. The language often seemed to creep into his vocabulary when he was speaking to Javier. Speaking to Esposito was completely different than Javier even though, logically, he knew that they were the same person.

"Eh, I went for a while earlier, but it wasn't quite the same this year."

"Didn't Lanie go with you?" He slurred, a bit of jealousy and anger creeping into his voice.

"Bro, there's something I've been meaning to tell you..." Esposito trailed off, leaving Ryan grasping for more information. "We broke up. A few months ago."

"I...oh..." They were both silent for a long while before Ryan spoke again. "Why?"

"I don't know, bro. It just...she said that I wasn't totally committed to the relationship. If I think about it, she was right. I wasn't in it." He sighed into the phone and Ryan could almost see him shrugging out of his jacket, sitting on his couch and kicking his feet up onto the coffee table.

"You guys always seemed so happy together, Javi." Ryan really didn't know what else there was to say. He didn't want to show him exactly how much the admission of their break-up had brightened his mood. That would have been insensitive. "I'm s'rry, bro." There was a heavy pause on the other end of the line.

"Kevin," Esposito finally whispered. "Are you drunk?" Ryan felt his breath catch in his throat.

"I...um..." He stammered, not really sure why he was so embarassed about being drunk, but there was something in the way that Javier asked that question that had him turning red. He jumped slightly when he heard rustling in the hallway outside his apartment.

"Open the door." Ryan quirked an eyebrow but slowly made his way to the door anyway. He couldn't say that he was actually shocked to find Javier standing in the hallway with his cellphone still pressed to his ear and a bottle of Pinot Noir in his hand. He slid the phone into his pocket and stepped into the house wordlessly. Ryan closed the door quickly and followed Esposito into his kitchen.

Esposito moved through the kitchen effortlessly, grabbing the corkscrew out of the drawer next to the stove and a wine glass from where they were hanging on the glass rack under the cupboards. Ryan watched quietly as he poured himself a glass of wine and drained it in one gulp. He refilled the glass and emptied it twice more before turning to face Ryan.

"Why'd you do that?" Ryan asked, gesturing to the half empty wine bottle.

"Because, I want you to at least be somewhere near the same level that you're on when I tell you what I came to tell you." He chuckled. "Liquid courage, my friend." Ryan quirked an eyebrow and pondered what exactly Esposito was going to need courage for.

"Oh...okay then." He muttered, moving to sit on one of the barstools next to his bar. He absentmindedly toyed with the coaster in front of him and spun it with his index finger. "So, you and Lanie?" Esposito sighed into the cup he had raised to his lips.

"Yeah." He moved to where Ryan was sitting and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. "She said that she wasn't the one that I wanted and I was the only one that didn't see it. That I didn't want to see it, so I was ignoring it."

"I don't understand. I never noticed it, you always seemed to be committed to the realtionship to me." Ryan muttered. He vaguely noticed that he was quickly sobering, the shock of Esposito showing up combined with the heady aroma of him standing so close was chasing the alcohol from his system.

"She said," He took a deep breath. "She said that I'm in love with you." He finally whispered, staring at the floor. Ryan felt his heart jump into his throat at the statement. He hooked his finger under Esposito's chin and lifted his head until he was looking into his eyes.

"Javier..." His voice was nothing more than a whisper as he moved closer. Their breath mingled in the electrified space between them. His nose brushed over Javier's gently. "Was she right?"

"I..." Esposito's voice was shaking nearly as violently as his hands that had come to rest on Ryan's shoulders. "I don't know. All I know is that, when I'm with you I can't think of anything else. I can't breathe right, I can't even think straight." He gave a tortured chuckle before swallowing a gulp of air.

Ryan's heart was pounding in his chest as he pressed his lips tentatively to Javier's. The man's mouth was warm and inviting, his lips moving cautiously against Ryan's in return. A whimper filled the air between them, but neither of the men knew who it had come from.

The kiss quickly became heated, moving from the tentative and cautious nature that it had begun as and becoming a battle of tongues and teeth. They clung to each other, afraid that if they seperated they would find that the moment was nothing but a dream.

Eventually, the need for air became overwhelming and they parted, resting their foreheads against each other. Esposito's thumb brushed over his cheek, the room silent except for the sound of their ragged breaths.

"Esposito?" Ryan whispered, his grip on his partner's shirt never waivering.

"You know, when we started dating, she did tell me that she was never wrong." He chuckled, still slightly breathless. Ryan pulled back, looking into Javier's eyes deeply.

"You mean..."

"That I do, partner." Esposito shot him an award-winning smile and ran his hands through his hair. "As long as you do?"

"Javier, I've been waiting for you for as long as I can remember." He muttered, overwhelmed with emotion. Javier pressed another chaste kiss to his lips before glancing at the Christmas tree.

"Merry Christmas, Kevin." He smiled. Ryan blushed slightly.

"Merry Christmas, Javier." And for the first time in years, he honestly meant it.


End file.
